Christmas Eve Eve

Almost Christmas... I love this time each year. There's so much promise in a holiday that's nearly here. Things to look forward to, people to connect with, decor still fresh and bright. I love it all.

My great nephew is up from Fort Worth, and is spending the night. We've had a lovely evening. Pizza, Doctor Who, great conversation. He's turned fourteen since our last visit, and grown a few inches in height. He's grown even more in maturity. I always enjoy his company.

Saw my sister in law and one of my great nieces today. We had a wonderful visit, visiting and laughter. I enjoy seeing them.

Tomorrow, I'm having an open house. I've been cleaning and baking today, getting out serving dishes which seldom see use. Lots of munchies feed everyone. I'm hoping that folks show up. Only a handful of people have been to my home since moving here. I tend to live a quiet life since I've became ill.

I'm hoping to hear from my sons over the holidays. The oldest is fairly good at staying in touch, but rarely on holidays or special occasions. The youngest doesn't stay in touch at all. I've spoken to him once since I moved here. When I was in the city, I'd hear from him quite often, and he'd visit frequently. I miss him, probably more than I should. I don't think he's forgiven me for making him stand on his own two feet. It was absolutely necessary for his wellbeing. No one lives a decent adult life depending on Mom to provide for all of their needs. Still, I love him and wish him well.

Not much else for now. I still need to finish up a backgammon board, and put it under the tree. Then, there's five pounds of fudge to cut and wrap up, as well as a carrot cake to ice.

So, enjoy the holiday(s) that you celebrate.

Holiday time

The holiday season is here, and I'm trying to stay out of the shopping fray. My house is decorated, and only took two days to do it. One to move furniture, and the other to put up the tree and part of the decor. I know each ornament by touch, and each contains a story, memory, or milestone in my life. There is comfort in that.

I've made Brandy/Rum Balls, and they have to age a few weeks. It's hard not to sample them, as they're always delicious. Blackberry cordial is aging as well. Everyday, I shake the jars, and will soon strain it into smaller containers to give as gifts.

Over a dozen backgammon boards have been finished. Last night, I put labels on them which include Braille. Later today, I'll pack some up and send them off to family out of state. The weather is being pleasant for December, so I'll load them onto the electric trike to take to the post office.

My gentleman friend will get a Doctor Who scarf, 12 feet long, that he's been wanting. My sons will receive gift cards to shop at Amazon. At 25 and 34, it's hard to know what to get them that I know they'll use and enjoy. Dad will receive a batch of the holiday candies. After chemo and radiation, he could stand to put on a pound or fifty. He's too ill to get out and do much for the holidays, so hopefully the treats will brighten up his day.

Grandma passed away in October at 93, so she's doing her own celebrating. I miss her. It doesn't seem right that she's gone. I've hung ornaments on the tree that she gave me decades ago, each with its own memory.

Don't know what I'll do for the holidays. I'm on the local family shit list for taking in a family member whose husband kicked her out. They're siding with him due to blood relation. If they knew the circumstances, it would be the other way around. Still, she's recently found a new place and moved into it. I stayed out of the dispute, and he would have been just as welcome here had the circumstances been switched. Anyway, I'll still exchange cards and phone calls with everyone, just not attend any celebrations. Don't know what my gentleman friend has planned yet. He loves to entertain, and is happy when he can fire up his smoker and feed a lot of people.

Still, I'm opening my home on Christmas Eve for family and friends to come by. Coffee, cocoa, and snack type munchies should be enough. With my sons so far away, it will be nice to have people around.

Still have to write and mail out holiday cards. It will take a few days due to the headaches it causes. None of my magnifiers are perfect, and can only be used for a few moments at a time. Still, it's a tradition with me, and I enjoy it despite the headaches.

I have mixed feelings about the holidays. It's a time to enjoy and celebrate, but there are too many empty chairs. It's lonely, even with others around. There are headstones to decorate along with my home, and I dread doing that. Still, there are friends, music, and holiday specials on tv. There are Doctor Who and Sherlock specials coming up. My great nephew will be up from Fort Worth, and we're planning a couple of overnights. I'd like to go to Utica Square in Tulsa to see the holiday decor.

So, my holidays aren't traditional. They haven't been since my daughter died. This is my ninth Christmas without her. Parts are good, other portions are heartbreaking, but I get through it.

In case I don't post before the end of the month... Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy Chanukah, and the Merriest of New Years to you all.

Homekeeping

Monday is for home keeping chores. Not because it is written in stone anywhere, but because my body automatically begins cleaning up the house on that day. I go away for the weekends on Friday afternoons, leaving behind a spotless home with the only chore undone being hauling the trash bin to the curb for Monday's pickup. Still, there's a load of laundry to do, dusting, a tea glass to wash up in the sink, and hoovering to do. Nothing big, just those minor chores which no one but I notice.

I'm fussy about keeping my home clean, not necessarily do surgery on the floors clean, but my standards are high. Health issues mean that I have to get creative in order to get things done.

I find and use the best products possible to make things as easy as possible. Those wonderful green scrubbers that 3M makes don't scratch surfaces, but are thorough for scrubbing things. There are separate ones around the house for different cleaning chores, and I replace them frequently when they show signs of too much wear. Since I purchase the large ones at the tool store, I cut them into quarters which is a convenient size.

My vacuum is a shark. It never looses suction, and picks up everything on the first pass. It's also lightweight and easy to use.

Every few years, I'll purchase a few yards of the prettiest flannel that I can find. It gets cut into pieces and used for cleaning and polishing until it's worn out.

I only have cold water for laundering, so whites automatically get bleach added, and colored items get a cup of vinegar added to each load. A wood drying rack and an indoor clothesline keep the utility bills down.

I miss having things like garbage disposals, a dishwasher, kitchen and bathroom vents. Those items would make home keeping much easier. My next home will definitely have those items.

Enough for now...

Update on life...

The adventure has ended for the moment, and I've returned home. There are stacks of laundry, items to sort, photos to share, and memories to be placed in their proper days and times. I've added to my Christmas ornament collection, and found a build it yourself kaleidoscope which will delight a youngster this holiday season.

There were strolls along beaches, hand in hand. We danced in four different countries. Indulged in fine dining, tried ox tongue on a dare, and loved it. I ate desserts every meal, and surprisingly, my dresses still zipped. I left the beaten paths and shopped in regular supermarkets on the islands. The rich variety of foods available was delightful.

Overall, it was a lovely time. Just the pampering and fine dining was enough to spoil me eternally. My favorite memory? Floating in the salt water pool as rain poured down upon me.

I'm worn out now, overdid it today playing catch up on things which must be done. Relaxing this evening with an episode of Sherlock playing in the background. There's chocolate left from Halloween, tempting me to eat it.

My Beastie is running in and out this evening. Changing her allergy medicine changed her into an entirely new dog. Oh, and she had a wonderful vacation with her friends while I was gone. Two shepherds, a pit bull, and two kittens were her playmates. She came home fat, sassy, and happy.

....later on....
Today has had its ups and downs. I can only barely make out large print with 8x magnifiers, and today they broke. The nearest replacements are over 100 miles away. I had a major meltdown over it, followed by a good cry. The only eye doctor in town is gone until next week, so getting help there was out of the question. Thankfully, my gentleman friend made a special trip here this evening and was able to repair them until new 10x magnifiers arrive in the mail.

With the 10x magnifiers, I'll only be able to see part of a letter at a time. I've tried them before, and was grateful my sight wasn't low enough for them. Now, I'll be depending on them, and hating them at the same time. Part of a letter? How screwed up is it to not even make out an entire letter of the alphabet?

The time frame for any reading at all is coming to a close, and I dread the day that it arrives. Today, I sat in a panic, crocheting a blanket while pondering a life which no longer contains the printed word.

I know that I'll adjust, but today the thoughts are overwhelming. I'm not ready for this next level of lower vision, not yet.

Enough for now...

Lesson from a Hedonist

Lessons from this Hedonist.
Lesson One... How to get the most comfortable nights sleep.

Spend a lot of time shopping for a mattress. Go to multiple stores, try out every one there. Take off your shoes, wear comfy clothes. Get the one which feels most comfy, it's definitely worth the money.

I bought memory foam mattresses for my home. The 16 inch in my bedroom and the 8 inch in the guest room are both luxurious.

Cover the mattress with a waterproof terry cloth mattress pad, for obvious reasons. On top of that goes a dual control heated mattress pad. Especially for those with arthritis, or those who keep their home cold, there's nothing like climbing into a warm bed. Mine turns off automatically after 11 hours, so my short memory doesn't have to remember to switch it off daily.

Invest in good sheets. You know, those with thread counts listed. The higher the number, the better they'll feel. Mine are 1600 thread count. I got them on clearance for $30 a set. It was such a bargain that I bought 4 sets, 2 for each bed.

Pillows are cheap. Wish I had known that in my younger years. I slept with the same pillow from the time I was a toddler until I was in my thirties. I know, gross. Anyway, pillows are cheap. Under $5 for the basic ones, more if you want down, etc. Invest a bit of cash in yourself and get a few.

Pillowcases... Here's the most luxurious part of your nights sleep. Drag out the ironing board and whip the iron across those pillowcases a few times, get the wrinkles out so that you don't awaken with them on your face in the morning. Btw, silk pillowcases won't crease your face. For extra luxury and comfort, here's a trick that the high end hotels use. Put 2 pillowcases on each pillow. Even the cheapest pillow will feel wonderful when the cases are doubled.

Blankets are pure heaven. I'm the woman in the store opening every package to see just how soft they are, and the one who returns them if they're not just as soft after laundering. Hunt for the softest, check to make sure the stitching isn't scratchy.

A little trick to make your bed more comfy is to buy the next size up on blankets and comforters. My bed is a queen, so the blankets and comforters are kings.

Finally, I launder the sheets every other day, and the blankets weekly. I use double the fabric softener, and give them an extra rinse cycle to be sure there's no soap residue left. That way they're always fresh and sweet smelling.

Enjoy!

household changes

I now have a houseguest/roommate. My former sister-in-law, who is one of my closest friends came to stay about a month ago. So far, we're getting along well. I've not had a female roommate since the mid-80's, so this is something new.

She's one of my absolute favorite people on earth. We've been friends for decades and enjoy each other's company. We both have plenty of space here, and her schedule means we both have alone time.

It won't be for long. My gentleman friend and I are house hunting. Huge step, and I'm hopeful and apprehensive at the same time.

Another friend is going to visit in the next couple of weeks. She's going to make the trip up here from Albuquerque before leaving the country. She's preparing for a wonderful adventure. A vacation in Zanzibar, and then moving to Tanzania to teach school. I'm happy for her, it's something that she's wanted to do for awhile, and now has the opportunity to live her dreams.

In making room for another person in this house, I'm getting creative with storage. Under bed bags now store the excess clothing from the guest room closet. Over the past couple of nights I've organized my craft items, five bins altogether. There's one left to tackle, but it's a fairly small one.

Life is becoming truly interesting with another person under my roof, and I'm enjoying it.

Growing up with a narcissist for a parent.

I was told of hurtful, hateful things I'd said as a teenager while speaking with an older relative yesterday. I apologized profusely and humbly for the pain I'd put her through with the words she'd been told. I felt horrible that those words had hurt her for decades, and continued to hurt her to this day. I felt awful that it took her years to say anything to me about it.

The funny thing is that those words weren't from my mouth. They weren't words I'd ever used, or things I'd said. They were words I'd often heard used often in relation to others.

I knew the source of those hurtful words. Believe me, I knew that source only too well. I'd known that source all of my life. 

You see, I'd heard those words and others all too frequently. Words spoken as the person sat at the dining table, painting her nails, drinking beer after beer and smoking cigarettes, and she spoke those words into the telephone for hours every evening. 

I heard myself referred to as a piece of shit by that same voice. I heard many, but not all, of the lies and stories told of me over the years. Not all, I'm sure, but plenty.

I heard lies told about every person who was considered a family member or friend. Most contained, I'm sure, at least a nugget of truth. I heard everyone's deepest darkest secrets that were ever spoken to that person. I never repeated any of them, because I knew the source. I knew that there was a 99% chance that what I was told was a lie.

I watched friendships end, marriages destroyed, and saw people damaged beyond repair due to the lies told and repeated over the years.

When you grow up in the household of a narcissist, you become the whipping boy for all of the lies which are told to others. The stories told about you aren't true, but you're not there to refute any of them. I was careful to say little of my personal life when speaking to her. I knew how every word would be twisted before it reached another pair of ears.

Because of that commandment, honor thy parents, you're trapped. You're stuck, unable to call out your parent as a liar. Then, you get stuck with not speaking ill of the dead, so you're still screwed. You just hang your head, and apologize for all of your supposed wrongdoings. And you apologize for the lies blamed on you, and you do it for the rest of your life. 

Guess what? Of all of the bad things I've been told about my family members and family friends, I refused to believe anything unless that person told me them self. 

Here's a news flash. I'm now breaking that commandment. I'm speaking ill of the dead. I'm tired of the evil I've been blamed for.

By the way... My horrible drug addiction during the nineties? You all heard about it. Truth? It was one joint per summer that she gave me from her stash when the kids and I visited her each year. That's it. That's all it was. 

I loved her because she was my mom. But, I'm tired of the lies she told. Lies that are still out there a year and a half after her death. 

She found Jesus in her last months. I'm glad, whatever gets you through the fear of death and damnation. Whatever gives you comfort, and clears your conscience. I hope she's at peace, I really do. Everyone deserves that.

Let me be clear. I have no intention of spending eternity in the same place as her. So, if I get to the pearly gates and she is waiting there for me, I will turn around and walk away from there. I won't spend eternity dealing with the same crap that I've dealt with all of my life.

So, when do I post this? My aunt is dealing with hospice and grandmas impending death. She lost her husband less than a year ago. She looked up to her big sister, aka my mom, the liar. Reading this would break her heart into pieces. I get that. It breaks mine, too.

I'm sure many of you will want to pray for me. Instead, why not pray for all of those people damaged by the lies told? Pray for the friendships ended, the marriages broken, the lives destroyed by the endless lies.

Lovely evening musings

Still working on recovering from the flu. This year I've caught bugs twice, for the first time in over twenty years. My body takes weeks to snap back afterwards, and it's frustrating. 

Working on backgammon boards, and having a lovely time. Still trying to make them well enough to sell, and can only work on them for a few moments before the screaming headaches set in. My fingers are covered with blisters from using a hot glue gun. It seems I'm incapable of using it without injuring myself. Still, I keep trying, and will get it right. I'm using the loveliest images I can find online to practice and learn on. It makes working on them a true pleasure, even if they don't turn out well.

Colored my hair tonight. Spread the stuff all over, told Siri to let me know when forty minutes have passed, then rinsed for ten minutes. I hope it turned out well, at least covering the grey, which is my intention. I miss having a hairdresser. I'm sure that my hair turns out looking like shit much of the time. Being unable to see the results makes hairstyling hard. I won't give up. Looking nice is important to me.

I've got to figure out how to fix a seam in my best dress. I think I can stitch it by touch, but I can't see to thread a needle. Hopefully, when my sister-in-law gets back from her Ohio trip in a week or so,  I can get her to stop by and thread a few for me.

I'm ready for vacation. My gentleman friend is taking me on a cruise in a few weeks. Mainly, I want to swim in the ocean and walk on the beaches. I want to tuck the memories of the tropical breezes and the sand between my toes away for the future. I want to smell the salt air, and have someone describe the waves coming in to me as they lap against my feet in the surf. I want to hear the seagulls and smell the tropical flowers. I want to speak Spanish with people who have grown up speaking it, instead of learning it from books. I want to absorb the whole experience, holding the hand of someone who treasures me, and treats me like I'm a precious gift. And, I want him to be proud to have me with him. I guess I'm expecting a lot from this trip. 

I always thought that my life would turn out a lot differently. There were a lot of things which did not go well. Things I had no control over. Things which hurt me badly, and altered the way in which I think and live and look at things. There has also been so much which is wonderful and breathtaking. Things which have touched my and soul in ways which I never could have expected. My life plan has been rewritten so many times that I should just keep it on a dry erase board. Circumstances change things greatly, some things discarded while others are altered. I'm still astonished to find myself single and living alone at 54 years old. But, I'm learning more about myself as I go. Not having to consider the wants and needs of family under my roof has given me the freedom to live as I want to. My time is my own, and I make the most of it. I keep studying new and favorite topics, loving that there are free online classes to listen to. I listen to music most of the time as I do home keeping chores or work on hobbies. I am delighted to discover that my home is always clean now that no one lives with me. Even Demeter puts her toys back in the basket when she's done with them. My body limits me with health issues, but I keep trying to do things which I enjoy, both old and new. 

Enough for now...

Monday Evening

Been sleeping off and on today. Still recovering from the flu, and tiring easily. Drinking a lot of grapefruit juice helps, it's my go-to drink when I don't feel well.

Did my grocery shopping over the weekend. My gentleman friend says he won't take me anymore due to the fact that I purchased every bottle of my favorite brand of grapefruit juice. I do that every time, and he says that just as often. 

My Beastie had a huge seizure on Friday. It's so frightening to see her like that. She's staggering, and then on the floor with everything shaking, in absolute terror. I worry about her, she's my right hand and my partner in crime. I'm lost without her. She's the one who goes nuts when my vertigo hits, making sure I get my medication. She's who I hang onto when I've fallen and need help getting up. She tells me when there is a knock at the door, or when someone comes near when I cannot see them. She sits at my heels, facing outward to protect me when I use an ATM. She's the one who leads me in the darkness and gets me home safely. She's the one I snuggle with when my eyes see nothing, and I'm frightened in the dark. She's my best buddy and my confidant, the keeper of secrets, the reason I smile most days. 

There is medication for her seizures. However, if I start her on it, she can never go off it. As it is, she has a few minor seizures, and a couple of major ones each year. It's enough for now to keep her on her allergy medicine and fish oil capsules. I don't want her drugged any more than absolutely necessary. If the seizures start coming more frequently, we'll revisit the option to medicate her for them.

On to other things...
I picked up three trays and an end table over the weekend. They'll all become backgammon boards soon. I'm really excited over the end table. It has a drawer to store game pieces, is cherry wood (I think), and has great bones. I got the table and all three trays for under $16 at a thrift store. I'm making backgammon boards using a lot of different mediums, experimenting, and just having fun with them. It's such a lovely hobby to have, and I'm enjoying myself thoroughly.

Planning to go on another cruise soon. I'm trying to coordinate my wardrobe in order to pack everything for 10 days into a carryon bag. At this moment it seems impossible to do. My shoes alone will require a large bag. Time to use my color identifying apps and try again.

Really, I'm enjoying the travels with my gentleman friend, but I'm just as happy staying at home. Home is where everything is familiar. With low to no vision, depending on light levels, I need the familiar. I need to have things where I can find them, to know where the furniture is, etc. I get tired of the ever changing collection of bruises from running into things that I cannot see in strange places. 

I want to see as many things and places as I can while a bit of sight remains. I'm content to see them through the iPad or laptop connected to the big screen tv that I sit just inches from. I'm committing them all to memory. There are few details left in my sight, even at optimal light levels. Mostly, I get overall impressions of things and extrapolate the rest. I know that I miss a lot, and it's beyond frustrating. But, it will be alright.

Get over it.

Thoughts...

Sometimes the pain never lessens. The hurt never truly heals. The sense of betrayal is always tucked in, just below the surface. The grief doesn't end. The loss not ever, ever replaced or recovered from. Nightmares are never completely awakened from. The past is survived, but never far from.

People, usually meaning well (although a few are just plain assholes), will tell you to "Get over it". They think that there is a time to get back to "normal". They put a time limit on it, and expect smiles and forgetting the bad to be handled in short order.

The fact is that seeing someone in pain is uncomfortable to others. It's a reminder of their own losses or grief. It reminds them of their own mortality, and that they could experience the same. They fear those parts of life. They run as fast as they can to avoid seeing it.

What is true is that there is no time limit in order to work through those things which harm our bodies and souls. It might happen in hours or days. Then again, it could take weeks, months, or even years. It will take time, I guarantee it. Don't let anyone give you a timetable, each person travels their own path.

Speaking of traveling your own path. It really is individual. A thousand people may have the exact same tragedy happen, and each will deal in their own time and manner. What may help one will not help every person.

There is no fixed recipe or chart telling you how to recover. No, there are millions of them out there, all with the right way shown. They want you to "do this" on Tuesday. Go "there" once a week. They're telling you that this book, and that ritual will fix what is wrong. There is a lot of help out there, much of it suggestions of things which work for most. That's great. Go do the things which help others in your circumstances. Self help, Counselling, Rituals, Life Changes, etc. are all options. If one does not work, try another, and another. Most of it will work, that's what many have discovered. Just don't give up.

But, each one of us must travel that path alone. If we are lucky, truly blessed, there are others who stay with us during these times. Whether it's physically helping, listening, or just sitting in silence with us as we work things through, these people are the angels in our world. Even if they cannot travel the entire journey with us, they help during the times we need them most.

Don't let anyone dictate to you when it comes to the path you walk on your journey. You do what you have to do in order for your body and soul to heal. This is you, doing what you must to survive. Don't apologize for doing what you have to do to get through this. And, do not let anyone make you feel bad for the methods you use to get through it. This is your journey, yours alone. 

Do what you have to do. Take all the time you need. And, never apologize for the way you do that which you must in order to survive. Good luck.

Sunday Evening

Lost ten pounds this week due to a hard hitting case of the flu. My gentleman friend dropped off groceries to me on Friday, and within hours, was also ill. Today is the first day I've kept down anything more substantial than broth, but I'm being cautious. Will be delighted when it's over. I'll be ecstatic once I can be more than thirty feet from the bathroom.

Funny, I've spent so much time in the bathroom this week that I'm thoroughly sick of being in there being sick. Yes, I meant to word that last sentence exactly that way. Truly, I'm ready to redecorate it after countless hours spent in there holding tightly to my throw up bowl.

I'm ready to be out in the yard. Twigs and branches need picking up, the patio cleared of leaves. My hanging plants need to be disposed of when the nests inside are finally abandoned by the finch families who set up housekeeping in them. Just the usual things you do when you have a yard and do a bit of gardening.

The weather is lovely right now. More like summers in Indiana than in Oklahoma. It's usually in the nineties and hundreds here, but lately we're enjoying eighties. It's so pleasant, and I want to be out in it. 

My poor Beastie's allergies are wreaking havoc on her. No fleas or tics. It's cut grass that has her covered in rash. Her allergy meds just aren't working anymore, so they need switching. I need to give her another oatmeal bath to sooth her skin.

She has more friends, a few German Shepherds, a Pitt Bull, a Chihuahua, and believe it or not, a cat. Poor girl, she was laying down, minding her own business, when a young cat jumped on her and promptly fell asleep. It was so funny. She had no idea what to do about it. Actually, she truly wasn't given a choice. The cat decided that they were going to be friends, and that's how it happened. Now, when we go to my friend's home, my Beastie knows that she and her little pal will be napping together.

The backgammon boards are a hobby that I should have taken up years ago. I'm having such fun making them. I've given half a dozen as gifts. My techniques are rapidly improving, and I'm exploring different mediums and patterns in making them. No two alike, and that's exactly my intention. All unique, and most are designed from images of boards in museums from the first through the eighteenth centuries.

I designed a label to put on them today. The background is a photo I took of one of my Stargazer Lillies which bloomed recently. The text reads "Delightful Ambiguities by Suzanne". They printed up nicely onto fabric, and are ready to cut out and attach to the boards.

I'd love to get good enough at making them to sell them. It will take more eyesight than I have in order to make them that well. For now, I'm pleased to make them as gifts.

Speaking of sight... The reds are finally starting to go. It was one of the last colors that I had remaining. Heartbreaking, I've been clinging tightly to those colors as the others diminished and faded. Also, the lights are left on 24/7 now. Everything either whites out or goes black beyond a narrow range of lighting. Just walking through the house is a challenge of sight blinking in and out constantly. I'm not adjusting well to it all.

Enough for now...

More catching up

Busy lately, and that's something I rarely say. My great nephew is back for the summer. He's staying with me one night a week. This summer, I'm teaching him how to play backgammon, the fine art of sarcasm, and introduced him to Sherlock. He's growing up, and we're having fun together.

I'm still volunteering at the charity bookshop when I have a good day. It's wonderful to get out for a few hours, but when I return home, I have to sleep away the rest of the day. It's too easy to overdo things.

I've begun making backgammon boards. These first ones aren't very fancy, and I'm still learning the process. I'd like to get good enough at making them to sell someday. So far, they look like an elementary school art class project. Still, it's a nice hobby, and I enjoy it. Using the lighted magnifier to work on them can only be done for a few minutes at a time. I'd love to have a more powerful one, but have had no luck finding any.

My gentleman friend took me on a cruise, and also to South Texas to see my Dad. We had a lovely time. I got some Christmas ornaments to add to my collection from various ports. We're planning another one soon. It's his vacation of choice. I liked it, but I'd prefer to go someplace and explore, like a city or a resort. Still, I expect that we'll have a wonderful time.

Speaking of Dad... He turned 84 yesterday. My sister and her husband moved Dad out to their home near Reno recently. He's settling in well, especially now that he has his baseball package on cable set up. I'm glad he's living with them. He's not driving anymore, and there's a lot of family out there to take him to doctors and shopping.

I'm listening to a show on super massive black holes. Fascinating to learn about. Would love to see what they're showing. Not enough sight to do more than guess, so I'll listen.

Overdid it by cleaning house this morning. I'm planning on sipping cocoa and taking a nap. Should be human again by evening.

Last overnight with the great nephew. We've baked chocolate banana oatmeal cookies, drank too much root beer, talked for hours, and are currently marathoning Doctor Who. I'm going to miss him when he returns to Fort Worth for the school year. We've become friends as well as family over the years, and I treasure that.

Enough for now...

Catching Up

So much going on recently, and I've not been keeping up here. Life in some ways has been a bit overwhelming....

Dad has lung cancer. He's in a nursing home setting while undergoing chemo and radiation treatments for the next several weeks. It drives me insane to be so far away, and unable to drive. He and I talk frequently, but I still miss him.

There was a snake in the garage that struck my jeans as I went in. All I could make out was a bit of movement and felt it hit my pants as I went in. I killed the nasty creature with a hoe. Scared the beejubies out of me. Now, I keep the hoe just inside the doorway so I can protect myself. 

I don't know how I can keep them out. The doors to the garage have giant gaps, of several inches, and won't close completely. There's also a hole in one corner, much smaller than the door gaps. I keep the garage clean and organized, no debris or junk. There are gardening tools, my bikes, my son's kayak and paddle. I'm at a loss. I read about using mothballs and antifreeze to keep snakes away. Having a furry beastie, though, means that using those things is a bad idea for her safety.

The gentleman I've dated for the past six months and I broke up, and then made up. He was pushing me to get too serious, too quickly. We're both looking at a permanent, long term relationship. He's just quicker than I am at it. He's a wonderful man, and I just adore him. I can see spending the rest of my life with him, just not yet. He'd like for us to be together seven days a week. 

I'm still learning about myself. Being alone is important to me as I do this. I like myself, my alone time, and having my own space. I've only been on my own for fourteen months. I'm not ready to give up this time that I've never had in life before. Is it selfish to want this for myself? 

Tried to watch the lunar eclipse. Using binoculars, I could make out a bright ball of light which whited out everything. My best bet for future eclipses is to watch them online.

I'm working on the flower beds. There are already flowers blooming, and many more coming up. I purchased spearmint seeds yesterday, and will plant them tomorrow. I made a patio (blind chick style), by taking a huge sheet of cardboard and then covering it with a couple of inches of mulch. Simple, big enough for the patio furniture, and easy on the feet. Doing the same thing along side the house and the fences to keep the weeds out and to make mowing simpler.

Tonight, I'm transplanting my poor, broken ficus tree. It looks sad, having lived in its planter for the past nine years. Hopefully, a larger planter, fresh soil, and a lovely drink of miracle grow will pull it from its doldrums.

Sister-in-laws are planning to visit me this week. I'm excited. I've missed those amazing ladies. Will be making broccoli-cheese soup and brewing spearmint tea in their honor. Hoping for a long visit filled with laughter and enjoyment.

I'm ready for warm temps to settle in. After paying rent, utilities, and picking up a few groceries, all I have left is $13 to last until the end of the month. Lower utility bills will free up some funds, they're currently running about $350 a month. I haven't purchased meat in months, mostly living on peanut butter sandwiches, ramen, and fruit. The spearmint seeds I purchased will supply my tea needs for a long time to come. My friends suggest I go to the food bank, but I have too much pride for that. Just one more month of high bills... I can get through it. 

Warm temperatures mean that my arthritis will ease. I'm ready for that. Today, I'm running the furnace due to temps in the forties and fifties. The next week or so promises to be in the seventies and eighties. I will truly enjoy that.

Still volunteering at the charity book shop. I don't know that I'm much help, but it's nice to visit with the folks who come in. Mainly, I face the books on the shelves. That's pulling all of the books to the front of each shelf evenly so that all of the spines can be read. I cannot see well enough to shelve the books. Using big magnifiers, I can do it for a few minutes before raging headaches begin. Not enough to really help. Mainly, I buy a few books at a quarter or fifty cents each for my guest room.

There's much more, but I'm tired this evening. Will catch up more soon. Enough for now.....

Thoughts

Thoughts.....

I don't understand people. This is now a world where every square inch can be seen and explored, every culture and each language learned. Every book is here, waiting to be read. Music, from the earliest songs to the latest hits, can be heard. Art, from the first cave drawings to masterpieces, are free to view. Every culture and religion can be experienced. All of history, from the beginning of time to this exact moment in time, is available to see. If a person ever wanted to know how to do something, step by step instruction is there in front of them. Every topic taught for free, with just a click of the mouse. Our universe can be travelled throughout, the only limits are ones we put upon ourselves. Everything that anyone has ever been curious about, is there to know. The amount of knowledge that is free to everyone could take a thousand lifetimes of study, and still not all be known.

Every bit of knowledge is available. It's free, to each and every person. No matter your age, sex, I.Q., level of education, religion, culture, nationality, disability, or location. It's there, just waiting. Libraries are free, as well as wifi in most places. Once out of the free public school systems, there are colleges and universities, free online classes, books, even YouTube videos to learn from. Learning from those who have learned, and experienced, what we do not know, is there.

Knowledge is free. For everyone.

And yet, so few people take advantage of these opportunities. I fail to understand that. Everything learned, no matter how small, improves one's life. It guarantees a better future for every person, for their family, their community. Encouraging your children to read, to learn, will give them a better life. It will make them better parents, able to provide for their families.

I don't get it. In this day and age where knowledge is free and available to all, ignorance is a conscious choice. When life can be improved a thousand fold, but isn't, I don't get it. When children aren't learning, I don't get it. When health and nutrition are ignored, I don't get it. When life becomes boring, I don't get it. When fear and hatred become more important than understanding and compassion, I don't get it.

I've said it before... I don't want you to think like me, I just want you to think. I'm still learning, so I can understand. So I can, perhaps, get it.

How am I?

I get asked often the question "how are you?". Most folks get the answer "I'm fine". That's all they want to hear. The social answer. Here is the real answer....

There are good days as well as bad ones. 

With cold temps there are mostly bad ones. Days when the pain is enough to confine me to bed or sofa, except for letting my beastie in or out. Arthritis is a monster ruling my days. I know at least a day in advance when a front is coming. The knee buckles more often, the hip joints pop and grind with every step. The shin which was broken and split in two lengthwise hurts as bad as the day in '01 that was broken. The muscles in my lower back spasm and make me want to scream.

The eyesight is worse. In decent lighting, the right eye sees little, less than ten degrees, blurred and doubled. The left eye sees light, movement, and shadow. Too bright or dim, both eyes see nothing. Most colors are gone. I'm grateful to still see most of the reds. Taking the etrike out the other day, I ended up walking it most of the trip, vision was too low to see the edges of the road, and a knee kept buckling.  That was on a sunny day. 

With 8x magnifiers, iPad apps, and the iPad hooked up to the tv, I can still make some things out. Reading gives me horrible headaches, often within a few moments, but I won't give it up. I just can't. I still buy books, hoping for a cure so that I can someday read them.

I won't recognize you if I'm out unless I see familiar movement or hear a voice I know well. Your facial expressions are non-existent to me, I focus on your tone of voice to give clues as to how you are. Everyone is beautiful to me. I cannot see what you see in the mirror. I see your character, the way you treat others.

Vertigo slows me down. Dizziness caused by multiple things, quick movement in front of my eyes, turning to the left, sinus pressure, sometimes no apparent cause. Most times sitting awhile helps. Some days, I remain on the floor as my world spins around me. I cannot fall off of the floor. The beastie often knows before I do when it will hit. She barks at me so I'll know to take medicine. If we're out, she'll bully me to a place to sit down, or hustle me home as quickly as she can.

The headache never goes away. Sharp, stabbing pain behind the left eye. Another spot in the top, right portion of my head. The continuous pressure in my head. It's about time for another MRI to see how much the cyst in my brain has grown.

I've never recovered from being on methotrexate almost two years ago. Overdoing things takes little effort and requires a lot of recovery time. I move slowly and try to pace myself. Still there are days when I spend time resting up after simple things like taking a bath or letting the dog out.

If you see me outside, I'm having a good day, or there are things which must be done. 

I take care of myself and my home. It takes much longer than it used to. A day of housekeeping will take a few days to recover from.

My diet is poor, and I rarely feel up to cooking. Mostly peanut butter sandwiches and fruit. Simple things which rarely need cooking. Cooked things are generally canned goods heated up. If I do cook, I can guarantee that I will usually end up with a burn or cut, no matter how cautious I am. 

My tolerance for discrimination, racism, bullying, stupidity, political bs, hatefulness, and hurting others is extremely low. If you're a mean person, you have no place in my world.

I'm not as trusting of people as I used to be. Not being able to see people makes me uncertain of their motives.

I try to keep in touch, but rarely use the phone. Facebook is my main contact with the world.

I keep busy with Braille lessons, hobbies, books on tape, listening to online classes. I listen to tv, movies, and music. I grow houseplants, including a cinnamon tree. I walk my beastie on good days. I do what I can in order to keep my mind off of feeling like crap. I laugh at silly things, and cry over sillier ones.

I get angry and frustrated by my limitations. I am lonely. 

I miss being able to go places, to work, to shop, to travel, to play, to have fun, to play sports, to actually be able to watch tv or a movie rather than just listen to it. I miss seeing colors. I miss seeing the moon and stars. I miss dancing. I miss the feel of a book in my hands, a real book, actually reading it, turning pages. I miss video games, roller skating, skateboarding, snowboarding, skiing, volleyball, bicycling, driving a car, motorcycling. I miss making hand milled soaps, embroidering, sewing. I miss target shooting with both guns and bows. I miss holding babies, taking little ones to the park, strolling at night. 

I miss the old me, that healthy person who could go and go more. The one who could, and often did, work nineteen hour days without a problem. I miss feeling good. I miss being optimistic. I miss me.....