Tree roots caused the sewer pipes to back up Friday morning. An incredibly huge mess, I was up all night tackling it. I left the house as soon as the landlord left, the pipes were augured, and stayed gone for the rest of the day. Had to have a break from the chaos. Couldn't wait to launder the six loads of towels and bath rugs that it took to mop it up enough to use a real mop. The last load is finally in the dryer. Several loads are still on the clothesline and the wooden drying rack. I've used a gallon of bleach, and had each load soaking for at least an hour.
Tonight, I'm worn out from scrubbing, bleaching surfaces, and shampooing a portion of the guest room carpet. Yes, that got it, also. Cooking was too much effort, so I thawed a loaf of French bread. Dinner was bread and butter, apple slices, with a few whoppers from the Halloween candy bag for dessert. Sometimes good enough just has to be enough.
My uncle passed away Thursday evening. It was his wife's seventieth birthday. They spent it together in his hospital bed, her head on his shoulder, as he took his last breath. They had a great love story. They married two days after my first birthday, buried their first born, had two more, divorced, remarried each other, and just celebrated their fifty-second anniversary. That's the cliff notes version.
On their wedding night, he trapped her under the covers, and farted on her. I never saw them angry at each other. They did things together as a couple and as a family. Loved and spent a lot of time with their children and grandchildren. Took care of their aging parents. Laughed and cried together. Celebrated occasions both great and small. They hosted family celebrations, and welcomed everyone. The way they always looked at each other was with love and pride. They had fun, and genuinely liked each other. Theirs was one of those loves that we all hope to find, and rarely do.
On to other things.....
Well, I've been on eight dates in the past couple of weeks. Same man who took me to the fair for our first date. We've gone places, made friends with each other's dogs, cooked for each other, laughed, talked for hours, and held hands. He's a real sweetheart, and I like him a lot. Today he's at a wedding. We're going out again tomorrow. There's potential with him. And it scares me, because I get the feeling that loving him could be easy. I don't want to get hurt again, so I'm guarding my heart, being cautious as we get to know each other.
Did the volunteer thing again on Thursday. Four hours, and a blinding headache from using multiple magnifiers to read author's names in order to shelve the books. Took a multi-hour nap afterwards and several Advil to try and lessen the headache. May have to get new magnifiers, mine are 8x. It will take a trip to Oklahoma City to get more powerful ones. They're expensive, the last pair cost $120., so I need to start saving up. Problem is, when I tried the more powerful ones, I could only make out one letter at a time. At what point do I give up? When I get to one letter on a book cover at a time? When I get to a portion of a letter?
My new shoes arrived the other day. Until this broken toe heals, and the swelling in my foot goes down, I can't try them on. They sure are pretty. Oxfords, three inch heels, one pair each of black and brown. I got them to replace the five year old ones which are falling apart.
Anyway, things are quiet this evening. The hot air popper is making popcorn, and I'm listening to jazz albums. Getting ready to listen to an old Pink Panther movie. I like quiet nights. The kind where I can soak in the tub, paint my nails, etc.
Enough for now.......
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Advice to a young relative....
My niece, who is almost 18, is looking for a boyfriend. I feel for her. It's hard to be young, and to want a real relationship as opposed to just someone who wants a good time.
Tonight, I gave her the best advice that I could, remembering well how it is to be unsure of myself and trying to figure out what I wanted in life. It's the advice that I wish someone would have given to me.
"K......., you are incredible. There are men out there who will adore you, treat you like a Queen, and who will dream of settling down and making a life with you. They are out there. When the time is right, you will meet them. In the meantime, you need to do a few things. Be the sweet girl that I know you are. Live, travel, get your education, have hobbies that interest you, make friends, love the friends that you have and spend time with them, experience life, try new things, read and be knowledgeable about the world around you and about current events, love your family, find a cause and volunteer for the things you are passionate about, discover and develop your personal style, study books about etiquette and follow them religiously, have a personal philosophy, get a job, make a life for yourself that you love, be happy with what you have, make a life plan and have goals for yourself. When you have a life that you love, and are happy, love will come to you. While you're waiting, get out there and live. Love you, Kiddo......."
I hope she finds the love she wants and deserves. I'm cheering her on.
Tonight, I gave her the best advice that I could, remembering well how it is to be unsure of myself and trying to figure out what I wanted in life. It's the advice that I wish someone would have given to me.
"K......., you are incredible. There are men out there who will adore you, treat you like a Queen, and who will dream of settling down and making a life with you. They are out there. When the time is right, you will meet them. In the meantime, you need to do a few things. Be the sweet girl that I know you are. Live, travel, get your education, have hobbies that interest you, make friends, love the friends that you have and spend time with them, experience life, try new things, read and be knowledgeable about the world around you and about current events, love your family, find a cause and volunteer for the things you are passionate about, discover and develop your personal style, study books about etiquette and follow them religiously, have a personal philosophy, get a job, make a life for yourself that you love, be happy with what you have, make a life plan and have goals for yourself. When you have a life that you love, and are happy, love will come to you. While you're waiting, get out there and live. Love you, Kiddo......."
I hope she finds the love she wants and deserves. I'm cheering her on.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
So, what do I do all day?
It's funny. When someone asks what I do for a living, and I say that I'm retired, they ask what I do all day. Is it because I'm not elderly? Or, that I don't look crippled enough to satisfy nosiness?
Invisible illnesses are hard to explain. You can look, but not see them in people around you, but they are there. I look fit, and healthy. I function fairly well in places which are familiar, and where I know locations of things. Places which have adaptations for low and no vision.
These are my invisible illnesses...
Non-Paraneoplastic AutoImmune Retinopathy. There is no effective treatment, and no cure. Eyesight is down to finger counting. The left eye sees nothing except gray, black or white. In some light levels, I see very little. I rely on cues of shapes, shadows and the few colors that I can make out to extrapolate what is near me. The built in gps in my head is something that I always took for granted, and now am grateful for. It means that I don't get lost, know where I am, and always know what direction that I'm facing. In other light levels, either too bright or too dark, I see nothing at all. Stabbing headaches live behind the left eyeball which no pain pill can lessen.
Cataracts.
Moderate to Severe arthritis, depending on temperature and humidity levels.
Hearing loss, just enough to annoy me and to have to ask soft voices to repeat things, sometimes over and over. Tinnitus means there is a screaming mosquito noise 24/7 in my right ear.
Vertigo and dizziness. I'm always a bit off balance. Sometimes, it's bad enough to cause falls. I wear a lot of colorful bruises due to it. Vertigo can last from a few seconds to several hours at a time.
A cyst in my brain.
So, just what do I do all day long?
I keep my house clean, but often forget to dust or polish glass. Out of sight, out of mind. The toilet, however, sparkles. I sometimes cook, about once every couple of weeks, simple things, and enough of whatever it is to last for many meals. I eat a lot of peanut butter and fresh fruit because it's easier than burning myself on the stove, which I do almost every freakin' time. I wash dishes carefully by hand. I feed my dog and the fish every day. I take baths, shave my legs and other bits, brush my teeth, wash my face, and comb my hair. The shower brings on vertigo, so the tub is fine by me. I love to soak in the tub and just daydream in there sometimes. I use a 20x magnifying mirror to do my eye makeup which remains hidden behind the sunglasses that protect my eyes from more damage. I do a crappy job of trimming my bangs Finally learned to quit snipping my eyebrows and eyelids in the process, that hurts! Thank goodness that the bangs curl. I'm working on Braille lessons for at least three hours daily, often more, and am frustrated that I cannot learn it as easily as foreign languages. My finger tips don't have the sensitivity needed, and I'm trying to find a way to work around that limitation. I'm listening to a Stephen King book on tape. I water plants weekly. I grow unusual plants, a cinnamon tree from Sri Lanka among others. I mow every couple of weeks, it usually takes two or three days off and on to do it. I rake most of the leaves, or at least anything which the rake can catch, and bag it. I walk the dog when arthritis and vertigo aren't bad. On bad vertigo days, I remain on the floor except to let the dog in and out or to go to the bathroom. I get on the treadmill, and try for five miles daily, on bad arthritis days it's one mile very slowly, hanging onto the rails for dear life, but I still do it. I use hand weights daily to keep up my upper body strength. After all, I doubt some hottie in fireman garb will swoop in if I fall and can't get up. I moisturize religiously, and use sunscreen. I'm making an afghan, and keep tearing out the crocheting because it feels like crap, and I keep on trying, I will get it right. I go to the grocery store, gas station, the post office... All about four blocks away. Every four to six weeks, I go to walmart with a relative so I can get big things like dog food and toilet paper. Occasionally, I see family or friends. I call my dad who lives out of state. I listen to the "hear my Facebook" app read to me. That's how I stay in touch with most people in my life. I have apps to identify money, colors, magnify, and to read print aloud. I pay bills. I use a magnifier app to project things like mail onto the tv so that I can read them. I listen to football games, records, CDs, radio, to tv shows or movies, and books on tape. I listen to online college lectures on a variety of subjects. I'm dating...Went to lunch with two gentlemen, to the fair and out to dinner with a third one. I ride the etrike when light levels cooperate. I walk over to a used book store which is the library's fundraiser. I usually buy a few books at a quarter each, and put them in my guestroom. I change my sheets every other day. About once a month, i take my comforter to the laundromat, it's too big for the washing machine. I dress nicely every day, and do laundry. I hang most things on a wood rack or clothesline to dry. Instead of ironing, I tumble things in the dryer for a few minutes. Would like to say that I mend things, but my sewing skills are down to sewing buttons back on. I have a lot of craft and gardening books which I cannot read, and craft items that I hope to someday use. I still play a mean game of backgammon, using Braille dice. I make candy for the holidays, four ingredients, and no cooking involved. I changed the tire tube on my etrike the other day. Thankfully, the tire didn't have to be removed. I raised the rear axle by putting a flower pot under it. It took all afternoon and a butter knife (don't ask), but I got it done. I avidly follow news related to the space programs. I had, years ago, hoped to apply for the Mars trips, but this eye disease took that dream and stomped on it. I follow news and advances in my eye disease, which is mostly the same paragraph from years ago repeated and rehashed in the papers that others write. I hope for a cure. Nothing can restore the vision lost, but stopping the disease would help. I have dreams. I have hopes. I look for ways to live the best that I can, and to work around that which limits me. I deal with the soul sucking hand I was dealt. I smile and laugh when I'd rather cry. I look for the good in things. I take the bad in my life, and look for ways to make it fun, entertaining, or at least a great story. I hope for love again. I wish upon stars that I can no longer see.
So, what do I do all day? I live, just like everyone else....
Invisible illnesses are hard to explain. You can look, but not see them in people around you, but they are there. I look fit, and healthy. I function fairly well in places which are familiar, and where I know locations of things. Places which have adaptations for low and no vision.
These are my invisible illnesses...
Non-Paraneoplastic AutoImmune Retinopathy. There is no effective treatment, and no cure. Eyesight is down to finger counting. The left eye sees nothing except gray, black or white. In some light levels, I see very little. I rely on cues of shapes, shadows and the few colors that I can make out to extrapolate what is near me. The built in gps in my head is something that I always took for granted, and now am grateful for. It means that I don't get lost, know where I am, and always know what direction that I'm facing. In other light levels, either too bright or too dark, I see nothing at all. Stabbing headaches live behind the left eyeball which no pain pill can lessen.
Cataracts.
Moderate to Severe arthritis, depending on temperature and humidity levels.
Hearing loss, just enough to annoy me and to have to ask soft voices to repeat things, sometimes over and over. Tinnitus means there is a screaming mosquito noise 24/7 in my right ear.
Vertigo and dizziness. I'm always a bit off balance. Sometimes, it's bad enough to cause falls. I wear a lot of colorful bruises due to it. Vertigo can last from a few seconds to several hours at a time.
A cyst in my brain.
So, just what do I do all day long?
I keep my house clean, but often forget to dust or polish glass. Out of sight, out of mind. The toilet, however, sparkles. I sometimes cook, about once every couple of weeks, simple things, and enough of whatever it is to last for many meals. I eat a lot of peanut butter and fresh fruit because it's easier than burning myself on the stove, which I do almost every freakin' time. I wash dishes carefully by hand. I feed my dog and the fish every day. I take baths, shave my legs and other bits, brush my teeth, wash my face, and comb my hair. The shower brings on vertigo, so the tub is fine by me. I love to soak in the tub and just daydream in there sometimes. I use a 20x magnifying mirror to do my eye makeup which remains hidden behind the sunglasses that protect my eyes from more damage. I do a crappy job of trimming my bangs Finally learned to quit snipping my eyebrows and eyelids in the process, that hurts! Thank goodness that the bangs curl. I'm working on Braille lessons for at least three hours daily, often more, and am frustrated that I cannot learn it as easily as foreign languages. My finger tips don't have the sensitivity needed, and I'm trying to find a way to work around that limitation. I'm listening to a Stephen King book on tape. I water plants weekly. I grow unusual plants, a cinnamon tree from Sri Lanka among others. I mow every couple of weeks, it usually takes two or three days off and on to do it. I rake most of the leaves, or at least anything which the rake can catch, and bag it. I walk the dog when arthritis and vertigo aren't bad. On bad vertigo days, I remain on the floor except to let the dog in and out or to go to the bathroom. I get on the treadmill, and try for five miles daily, on bad arthritis days it's one mile very slowly, hanging onto the rails for dear life, but I still do it. I use hand weights daily to keep up my upper body strength. After all, I doubt some hottie in fireman garb will swoop in if I fall and can't get up. I moisturize religiously, and use sunscreen. I'm making an afghan, and keep tearing out the crocheting because it feels like crap, and I keep on trying, I will get it right. I go to the grocery store, gas station, the post office... All about four blocks away. Every four to six weeks, I go to walmart with a relative so I can get big things like dog food and toilet paper. Occasionally, I see family or friends. I call my dad who lives out of state. I listen to the "hear my Facebook" app read to me. That's how I stay in touch with most people in my life. I have apps to identify money, colors, magnify, and to read print aloud. I pay bills. I use a magnifier app to project things like mail onto the tv so that I can read them. I listen to football games, records, CDs, radio, to tv shows or movies, and books on tape. I listen to online college lectures on a variety of subjects. I'm dating...Went to lunch with two gentlemen, to the fair and out to dinner with a third one. I ride the etrike when light levels cooperate. I walk over to a used book store which is the library's fundraiser. I usually buy a few books at a quarter each, and put them in my guestroom. I change my sheets every other day. About once a month, i take my comforter to the laundromat, it's too big for the washing machine. I dress nicely every day, and do laundry. I hang most things on a wood rack or clothesline to dry. Instead of ironing, I tumble things in the dryer for a few minutes. Would like to say that I mend things, but my sewing skills are down to sewing buttons back on. I have a lot of craft and gardening books which I cannot read, and craft items that I hope to someday use. I still play a mean game of backgammon, using Braille dice. I make candy for the holidays, four ingredients, and no cooking involved. I changed the tire tube on my etrike the other day. Thankfully, the tire didn't have to be removed. I raised the rear axle by putting a flower pot under it. It took all afternoon and a butter knife (don't ask), but I got it done. I avidly follow news related to the space programs. I had, years ago, hoped to apply for the Mars trips, but this eye disease took that dream and stomped on it. I follow news and advances in my eye disease, which is mostly the same paragraph from years ago repeated and rehashed in the papers that others write. I hope for a cure. Nothing can restore the vision lost, but stopping the disease would help. I have dreams. I have hopes. I look for ways to live the best that I can, and to work around that which limits me. I deal with the soul sucking hand I was dealt. I smile and laugh when I'd rather cry. I look for the good in things. I take the bad in my life, and look for ways to make it fun, entertaining, or at least a great story. I hope for love again. I wish upon stars that I can no longer see.
So, what do I do all day? I live, just like everyone else....
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Tuesday night.
This evening, I'm sitting here on the loveseat admiring a beautiful bouquet of roses and sipping a glass of great wine. REM is on the stereo, my shoes are off, and I'm reflecting on a date which just ended a few minutes ago.
He picked me up at 6, bringing the flowers and wine, and we went out to dinner. We spent far more time talking than eating. Then we came back to my place and talked for hours more. Went out on the front porch for awhile, sat in the rockers and enjoyed the evening breezes. Perfect date, ending with a kiss...
That was our second date. He's the third gentleman that I've gone out with in the past week and a half. This whole dating thing isn't as scary as I thought it would be. I'm having fun getting to know new people. The guys are nice, perfect manners, gentlemen, and fun.
My brother-in-law has been reading me the riot act over online dating. He's concerned, and rightly so. In order to set his mind at ease, I made him one of my safe call people. He's reassured, and I feel good knowing he'll watch out for me.
On to other things....
The yard is raked and leaves are bagged for the moment. Found a fresh snakeskin while raking, not my idea of fun at all. Housekeeping caught up on, and laundry finished for the moment. Leftover chicken in the fridge from tonight's dinner will be dinner tomorrow night.
This week, I'm focusing on Braille lessons. More eye changes are scaring me, and lessening sight means even magnifying isn't helping much. You know, I've kept thinking that I had time to just play around with the lessons until I mastered them. It turns out that I don't. The left eye is gray, black, or white vision pretty much all of the time. The right one sees less and less. My time to see things is running out. As it is, I see very little when light conditions are good, nothing at all when they're poor. Thank goodness for apps which identify money, colors, magnify, and read print to me. Thankfully, I never get lost, and always know which direction that I'm facing. It's served me well all of my life, and I trust it will continue to do so. It's something I always took for granted, and that I'm extremely grateful for now.
I wish I had answers. How long will I have some sight? Will I keep light and dark, shapes and colors? According to the specialists "We think some of them. We just don't know, this disease is too rare." Those are my answers. No effective treatment, no cure.
So, I just keep plugging away. I do the best that I can, and tell myself that it's good enough. I've done the five stages of grief going through this disease.... Denial, bargaining, anger, whatever the hell the other one is, and finally acceptance. It's all that I can do.
I'm making the best life for myself that is possible. I work around my limitations as best that I can. I do that which I'm capable of. I eat right, mostly, get enough rest, and exercise every day. I keep learning, have some hobbies, spend time with friends and family.
I miss my old life. Going to work and being around people every day. Being able to get in the car and go places. Showing someone how to do something. Walking around with a baby in my arms. Seeing the traffic lights. Seeing the moon and stars. Going places at night without holding someone's arm or using the hated white cane. Wandering the bookstores, and buying any book which caught my eye. Heck, just dialing a phone number without siri's help, going to the drive-thru at a restaurant and seeing the menu from a car window.
It's a world which no longer exists for me. I understand it. I don't like it, but I accept it.
Enough for now.....
He picked me up at 6, bringing the flowers and wine, and we went out to dinner. We spent far more time talking than eating. Then we came back to my place and talked for hours more. Went out on the front porch for awhile, sat in the rockers and enjoyed the evening breezes. Perfect date, ending with a kiss...
That was our second date. He's the third gentleman that I've gone out with in the past week and a half. This whole dating thing isn't as scary as I thought it would be. I'm having fun getting to know new people. The guys are nice, perfect manners, gentlemen, and fun.
My brother-in-law has been reading me the riot act over online dating. He's concerned, and rightly so. In order to set his mind at ease, I made him one of my safe call people. He's reassured, and I feel good knowing he'll watch out for me.
On to other things....
The yard is raked and leaves are bagged for the moment. Found a fresh snakeskin while raking, not my idea of fun at all. Housekeeping caught up on, and laundry finished for the moment. Leftover chicken in the fridge from tonight's dinner will be dinner tomorrow night.
This week, I'm focusing on Braille lessons. More eye changes are scaring me, and lessening sight means even magnifying isn't helping much. You know, I've kept thinking that I had time to just play around with the lessons until I mastered them. It turns out that I don't. The left eye is gray, black, or white vision pretty much all of the time. The right one sees less and less. My time to see things is running out. As it is, I see very little when light conditions are good, nothing at all when they're poor. Thank goodness for apps which identify money, colors, magnify, and read print to me. Thankfully, I never get lost, and always know which direction that I'm facing. It's served me well all of my life, and I trust it will continue to do so. It's something I always took for granted, and that I'm extremely grateful for now.
I wish I had answers. How long will I have some sight? Will I keep light and dark, shapes and colors? According to the specialists "We think some of them. We just don't know, this disease is too rare." Those are my answers. No effective treatment, no cure.
So, I just keep plugging away. I do the best that I can, and tell myself that it's good enough. I've done the five stages of grief going through this disease.... Denial, bargaining, anger, whatever the hell the other one is, and finally acceptance. It's all that I can do.
I'm making the best life for myself that is possible. I work around my limitations as best that I can. I do that which I'm capable of. I eat right, mostly, get enough rest, and exercise every day. I keep learning, have some hobbies, spend time with friends and family.
I miss my old life. Going to work and being around people every day. Being able to get in the car and go places. Showing someone how to do something. Walking around with a baby in my arms. Seeing the traffic lights. Seeing the moon and stars. Going places at night without holding someone's arm or using the hated white cane. Wandering the bookstores, and buying any book which caught my eye. Heck, just dialing a phone number without siri's help, going to the drive-thru at a restaurant and seeing the menu from a car window.
It's a world which no longer exists for me. I understand it. I don't like it, but I accept it.
Enough for now.....
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