Midweek

Good week so far, considering that it is only a few days into it. A friend came by and brought donuts this morning. We had a great visit. Chatted about our children and families, and played catchup on what's been going on in our lives. 

The house is clean, meals made for the week. Only thing left to do today is to change the sheets.

Still messaging back and forth with my male friend. Who knows, we may end up going out. I really don't want just a playmate. I function at my best in a relationship. Being on my own is enlightening, but it just isn't who I am. Plus, I'm not into hookups and casual sex. I want to have the love, romance, time spent together, caring and sharing.

Watered the front garden today, it's been sorely neglected. I noticed a lot more green than should be there. So, there will be some weeding done. Hopefully, I'll pull up only the plants which are not supposed to be there.

New changes with sight loss. When I look at dark colored Things, everything blacks out completely. There's absolutely nothing. With it comes a hard hit of vertigo. Horribly disorienting, and frightening when it occurs dozens of times daily. It also happens when I see something too bright. In that instance, it's a complete whiteout. I'm keeping lights on now from late afternoon to late morning. 

Would love to paint the interior of the house in lighter colors. That would make things safer for me. Four of the rooms, as well as the closets, have panelling. The other three rooms are solid white, and lead into each other, with nothing to show contrast. But, with this place being a rental, and with paneled walls, it won't happen.  So, I use landmarks around the house. Brightly colored artwork, accessories, and similar things near door frames to let me know they're nearby. It's not ideal, but it helps to find my way around.

Enough for now....

Monday it is.....

I have a lovely CrownTail Beta, dark blue, who goes by the handle of Garfunkel. He has two bowls, so each week he moves from one clean bowl to another. The bowl sits on a table in the middle of my living room, centered on a silver tray. Next to his bowl sits a rose painted sugar bowl, which holds his food. I discovered that he enjoys having lit candles near him. He follows the flame, seeming to enjoy the light and movement. I cannot imagine that the life of a pet fish is interesting. But, having no desire for him to die of boredom, it is a simple thing to provide him with some forms of stimulation. Light, movement, music, the Beastie and I all manage to provide changing scenery for him.

I received a lovely bouquet of flowers. Each bloom larger than my hand, the air throughout the house is sweetly scented. I can make out the pink and white star shape of the blossoms, and can easily picture their beauty. I so adore StarGazer Lillies, and Really should order them more often. I keep talking about placing a standing order for them, but never do.

A former family member made me a quilt. It's spread out on the ottoman, where I can enjoy it. There are many lovely fabrics and textures in it. The color scheme contains mainly pinks and reds, the patterns are soft and feminine. It's all handmade, with my name embroidered upon it. 

Tomorrow, I will write and send a thank you note to her. She was wonderful to have spent countless hours making it for me. Special lady, she was my mother in law for a couple of decades, we are still close. I'm glad that she and I are still part of each other's lives.

I'm a firm believer in the adage, have nothing in your home unless it is useful or beautiful. I believe that it must all be beautiful. Even though I cannot see much of my home and possessions, I want to know that my surroundings are pleasing to the eye, even though the eyes which see them are not mine. My furnishings are simple, wicker patio furniture in the living room, covered with throws and comfy pillows. My dining chairs have been recovered at least a dozen times since they were given to me years ago, as well as painted a few times. My home has plants, lots of family photos, books, music, comfortable places to curl up, fresh flowers, etc. I use old, lovely things rather than putting them away for special occasions. Even my broom has hand painted flowers on it. 

Enough for now......

Sunday.....

Well, I guess I didn't scare him off after all. We spent hours messaging back and forth the other night. Nice guy, he's looking more for a playmate than a long term relationship. Maybe I will go out with him, have some fun.

I talked to my father today. It is his eighty third birthday. I miss him, there are hundreds of miles between us. Thankfully, we are only a phone call apart. I still have, and treasure, the small rocking chair that he gave me. It was a special gift, given to me on the day he adopted me, fifty one years ago.

It's still awhile before sunset. The drapes are widely opened,  and the blinds are raised in all of the rooms. Except for the light close to the windows, I can see nothing in the house.

I've lost more sight. It takes more and more light in order to see anything. And yet, when the light is too bright, everything is whited out. I can make out bright colors, and most of the reds. The rest of the color spectrum is just muddy. I miss the royal purples, sapphires, teals, emerald green, the golds, and the smoky grays. All of my favorite colors are now memories, seen only in my dreams, where everything is so incredibly vivid and clear.

So I mourn the newest loss of sight, it leaves in increments. Each loss takes with it more of my freedom and mobility. Three years ago it took my ability to drive, and that broke my heart. It's taken the faces of my loved ones, even with magnifying glasses, the photos are blurs. I've not seen my granddaughter's face since she was a newborn. Now four years old, she is a blond blur. My grandson was three when I last saw his face clearly. I can only guess at what his appearance is.

Discovered something new today. Rather than battle the sixty pound Beastie, trying to wrestle her into the bathtub, she will happily sit still and let me give her a sponge bath. It was the most easy and pleasant bath that I've given her. After six years with her, this is the first time we've done that. The best part is, that I did not get a single scratch or bruise in the process.

I'm listening to the tv series, "The Tudors". It's an interesting view of Henry VIII and the time period I love celebrating at the Renaissance Fairres. Periodically, I pause the show, getting close to the tv screen with a magnifying glass. I'm trying to see the scenery, period clothing, and what I imagine to be, beautiful sets.

Tonight, I'm eating watermelon for dinner. They taste so good this time of year, I'd rather eat them than anything else in the summer. Tomorrow, I need to travel to the grocery store and pick up more of them. The basket of my etrike will hold two, along with a small amount of groceries. 

Enough for now.....

Maybe Dating Again Someday....

I'm thinking about dating again. At times I think I'm ready. At others, I wonder about it. Am I ready to invite someone, even casually, into my life? I've been alone for over six months, and would like to spend time with someone. There's a difference between alone and lonely. I know them both well. 

Still, I think I'd like to get out some. To go on dates, and have some fun. To spend time with someone nice, who likes me. Who doesn't want to change me. 

I wonder what it will be like to date since I can no longer see faces. It worries me to not see facial expressions, to miss cues like smiles and frowns.

Finding a guy is easy. I meet them all of the time. They give me their phone numbers. I haven't given out mine so far.

One guy that I've known for years kept hitting on me until I told him about my health, vision, etc. Thought that I'd be upfront and honest, and not lead him on. Well, the news is that I've not heard from him since. Not many guys want to take on a relationship with someone who has health problems, especially some that are fairly serious. 

I get it, I really do. If I was interested in someone, and they told me that they had major health problems, I'd have to think it over. I'd not rule them out, but I would look at it from all angles.

So, no matter how good I look, how nicely I dress, whether or not I'm a lady (I am), the facts that I'm smart, funny, kind, well read, and play a mean game of backgammon, and have excellent taste, etc. Are balanced against the illness factors. The blindness and health issues will be either the jokers or the trump cards. 

I'll just have to see how it all plays out.....