Been sleeping off and on today. Still recovering from the flu, and tiring easily. Drinking a lot of grapefruit juice helps, it's my go-to drink when I don't feel well.
Did my grocery shopping over the weekend. My gentleman friend says he won't take me anymore due to the fact that I purchased every bottle of my favorite brand of grapefruit juice. I do that every time, and he says that just as often.
My Beastie had a huge seizure on Friday. It's so frightening to see her like that. She's staggering, and then on the floor with everything shaking, in absolute terror. I worry about her, she's my right hand and my partner in crime. I'm lost without her. She's the one who goes nuts when my vertigo hits, making sure I get my medication. She's who I hang onto when I've fallen and need help getting up. She tells me when there is a knock at the door, or when someone comes near when I cannot see them. She sits at my heels, facing outward to protect me when I use an ATM. She's the one who leads me in the darkness and gets me home safely. She's the one I snuggle with when my eyes see nothing, and I'm frightened in the dark. She's my best buddy and my confidant, the keeper of secrets, the reason I smile most days.
There is medication for her seizures. However, if I start her on it, she can never go off it. As it is, she has a few minor seizures, and a couple of major ones each year. It's enough for now to keep her on her allergy medicine and fish oil capsules. I don't want her drugged any more than absolutely necessary. If the seizures start coming more frequently, we'll revisit the option to medicate her for them.
On to other things...
I picked up three trays and an end table over the weekend. They'll all become backgammon boards soon. I'm really excited over the end table. It has a drawer to store game pieces, is cherry wood (I think), and has great bones. I got the table and all three trays for under $16 at a thrift store. I'm making backgammon boards using a lot of different mediums, experimenting, and just having fun with them. It's such a lovely hobby to have, and I'm enjoying myself thoroughly.
Planning to go on another cruise soon. I'm trying to coordinate my wardrobe in order to pack everything for 10 days into a carryon bag. At this moment it seems impossible to do. My shoes alone will require a large bag. Time to use my color identifying apps and try again.
Really, I'm enjoying the travels with my gentleman friend, but I'm just as happy staying at home. Home is where everything is familiar. With low to no vision, depending on light levels, I need the familiar. I need to have things where I can find them, to know where the furniture is, etc. I get tired of the ever changing collection of bruises from running into things that I cannot see in strange places.
I want to see as many things and places as I can while a bit of sight remains. I'm content to see them through the iPad or laptop connected to the big screen tv that I sit just inches from. I'm committing them all to memory. There are few details left in my sight, even at optimal light levels. Mostly, I get overall impressions of things and extrapolate the rest. I know that I miss a lot, and it's beyond frustrating. But, it will be alright.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Get over it.
Thoughts...
Sometimes the pain never lessens. The hurt never truly heals. The sense of betrayal is always tucked in, just below the surface. The grief doesn't end. The loss not ever, ever replaced or recovered from. Nightmares are never completely awakened from. The past is survived, but never far from.
People, usually meaning well (although a few are just plain assholes), will tell you to "Get over it". They think that there is a time to get back to "normal". They put a time limit on it, and expect smiles and forgetting the bad to be handled in short order.
The fact is that seeing someone in pain is uncomfortable to others. It's a reminder of their own losses or grief. It reminds them of their own mortality, and that they could experience the same. They fear those parts of life. They run as fast as they can to avoid seeing it.
What is true is that there is no time limit in order to work through those things which harm our bodies and souls. It might happen in hours or days. Then again, it could take weeks, months, or even years. It will take time, I guarantee it. Don't let anyone give you a timetable, each person travels their own path.
Speaking of traveling your own path. It really is individual. A thousand people may have the exact same tragedy happen, and each will deal in their own time and manner. What may help one will not help every person.
There is no fixed recipe or chart telling you how to recover. No, there are millions of them out there, all with the right way shown. They want you to "do this" on Tuesday. Go "there" once a week. They're telling you that this book, and that ritual will fix what is wrong. There is a lot of help out there, much of it suggestions of things which work for most. That's great. Go do the things which help others in your circumstances. Self help, Counselling, Rituals, Life Changes, etc. are all options. If one does not work, try another, and another. Most of it will work, that's what many have discovered. Just don't give up.
But, each one of us must travel that path alone. If we are lucky, truly blessed, there are others who stay with us during these times. Whether it's physically helping, listening, or just sitting in silence with us as we work things through, these people are the angels in our world. Even if they cannot travel the entire journey with us, they help during the times we need them most.
Don't let anyone dictate to you when it comes to the path you walk on your journey. You do what you have to do in order for your body and soul to heal. This is you, doing what you must to survive. Don't apologize for doing what you have to do to get through this. And, do not let anyone make you feel bad for the methods you use to get through it. This is your journey, yours alone.
Do what you have to do. Take all the time you need. And, never apologize for the way you do that which you must in order to survive. Good luck.
Sometimes the pain never lessens. The hurt never truly heals. The sense of betrayal is always tucked in, just below the surface. The grief doesn't end. The loss not ever, ever replaced or recovered from. Nightmares are never completely awakened from. The past is survived, but never far from.
People, usually meaning well (although a few are just plain assholes), will tell you to "Get over it". They think that there is a time to get back to "normal". They put a time limit on it, and expect smiles and forgetting the bad to be handled in short order.
The fact is that seeing someone in pain is uncomfortable to others. It's a reminder of their own losses or grief. It reminds them of their own mortality, and that they could experience the same. They fear those parts of life. They run as fast as they can to avoid seeing it.
What is true is that there is no time limit in order to work through those things which harm our bodies and souls. It might happen in hours or days. Then again, it could take weeks, months, or even years. It will take time, I guarantee it. Don't let anyone give you a timetable, each person travels their own path.
Speaking of traveling your own path. It really is individual. A thousand people may have the exact same tragedy happen, and each will deal in their own time and manner. What may help one will not help every person.
There is no fixed recipe or chart telling you how to recover. No, there are millions of them out there, all with the right way shown. They want you to "do this" on Tuesday. Go "there" once a week. They're telling you that this book, and that ritual will fix what is wrong. There is a lot of help out there, much of it suggestions of things which work for most. That's great. Go do the things which help others in your circumstances. Self help, Counselling, Rituals, Life Changes, etc. are all options. If one does not work, try another, and another. Most of it will work, that's what many have discovered. Just don't give up.
But, each one of us must travel that path alone. If we are lucky, truly blessed, there are others who stay with us during these times. Whether it's physically helping, listening, or just sitting in silence with us as we work things through, these people are the angels in our world. Even if they cannot travel the entire journey with us, they help during the times we need them most.
Don't let anyone dictate to you when it comes to the path you walk on your journey. You do what you have to do in order for your body and soul to heal. This is you, doing what you must to survive. Don't apologize for doing what you have to do to get through this. And, do not let anyone make you feel bad for the methods you use to get through it. This is your journey, yours alone.
Do what you have to do. Take all the time you need. And, never apologize for the way you do that which you must in order to survive. Good luck.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Sunday Evening
Lost ten pounds this week due to a hard hitting case of the flu. My gentleman friend dropped off groceries to me on Friday, and within hours, was also ill. Today is the first day I've kept down anything more substantial than broth, but I'm being cautious. Will be delighted when it's over. I'll be ecstatic once I can be more than thirty feet from the bathroom.
Funny, I've spent so much time in the bathroom this week that I'm thoroughly sick of being in there being sick. Yes, I meant to word that last sentence exactly that way. Truly, I'm ready to redecorate it after countless hours spent in there holding tightly to my throw up bowl.
I'm ready to be out in the yard. Twigs and branches need picking up, the patio cleared of leaves. My hanging plants need to be disposed of when the nests inside are finally abandoned by the finch families who set up housekeeping in them. Just the usual things you do when you have a yard and do a bit of gardening.
The weather is lovely right now. More like summers in Indiana than in Oklahoma. It's usually in the nineties and hundreds here, but lately we're enjoying eighties. It's so pleasant, and I want to be out in it.
My poor Beastie's allergies are wreaking havoc on her. No fleas or tics. It's cut grass that has her covered in rash. Her allergy meds just aren't working anymore, so they need switching. I need to give her another oatmeal bath to sooth her skin.
She has more friends, a few German Shepherds, a Pitt Bull, a Chihuahua, and believe it or not, a cat. Poor girl, she was laying down, minding her own business, when a young cat jumped on her and promptly fell asleep. It was so funny. She had no idea what to do about it. Actually, she truly wasn't given a choice. The cat decided that they were going to be friends, and that's how it happened. Now, when we go to my friend's home, my Beastie knows that she and her little pal will be napping together.
The backgammon boards are a hobby that I should have taken up years ago. I'm having such fun making them. I've given half a dozen as gifts. My techniques are rapidly improving, and I'm exploring different mediums and patterns in making them. No two alike, and that's exactly my intention. All unique, and most are designed from images of boards in museums from the first through the eighteenth centuries.
I designed a label to put on them today. The background is a photo I took of one of my Stargazer Lillies which bloomed recently. The text reads "Delightful Ambiguities by Suzanne". They printed up nicely onto fabric, and are ready to cut out and attach to the boards.
I'd love to get good enough at making them to sell them. It will take more eyesight than I have in order to make them that well. For now, I'm pleased to make them as gifts.
Speaking of sight... The reds are finally starting to go. It was one of the last colors that I had remaining. Heartbreaking, I've been clinging tightly to those colors as the others diminished and faded. Also, the lights are left on 24/7 now. Everything either whites out or goes black beyond a narrow range of lighting. Just walking through the house is a challenge of sight blinking in and out constantly. I'm not adjusting well to it all.
Enough for now...
Funny, I've spent so much time in the bathroom this week that I'm thoroughly sick of being in there being sick. Yes, I meant to word that last sentence exactly that way. Truly, I'm ready to redecorate it after countless hours spent in there holding tightly to my throw up bowl.
I'm ready to be out in the yard. Twigs and branches need picking up, the patio cleared of leaves. My hanging plants need to be disposed of when the nests inside are finally abandoned by the finch families who set up housekeeping in them. Just the usual things you do when you have a yard and do a bit of gardening.
The weather is lovely right now. More like summers in Indiana than in Oklahoma. It's usually in the nineties and hundreds here, but lately we're enjoying eighties. It's so pleasant, and I want to be out in it.
My poor Beastie's allergies are wreaking havoc on her. No fleas or tics. It's cut grass that has her covered in rash. Her allergy meds just aren't working anymore, so they need switching. I need to give her another oatmeal bath to sooth her skin.
She has more friends, a few German Shepherds, a Pitt Bull, a Chihuahua, and believe it or not, a cat. Poor girl, she was laying down, minding her own business, when a young cat jumped on her and promptly fell asleep. It was so funny. She had no idea what to do about it. Actually, she truly wasn't given a choice. The cat decided that they were going to be friends, and that's how it happened. Now, when we go to my friend's home, my Beastie knows that she and her little pal will be napping together.
The backgammon boards are a hobby that I should have taken up years ago. I'm having such fun making them. I've given half a dozen as gifts. My techniques are rapidly improving, and I'm exploring different mediums and patterns in making them. No two alike, and that's exactly my intention. All unique, and most are designed from images of boards in museums from the first through the eighteenth centuries.
I designed a label to put on them today. The background is a photo I took of one of my Stargazer Lillies which bloomed recently. The text reads "Delightful Ambiguities by Suzanne". They printed up nicely onto fabric, and are ready to cut out and attach to the boards.
I'd love to get good enough at making them to sell them. It will take more eyesight than I have in order to make them that well. For now, I'm pleased to make them as gifts.
Speaking of sight... The reds are finally starting to go. It was one of the last colors that I had remaining. Heartbreaking, I've been clinging tightly to those colors as the others diminished and faded. Also, the lights are left on 24/7 now. Everything either whites out or goes black beyond a narrow range of lighting. Just walking through the house is a challenge of sight blinking in and out constantly. I'm not adjusting well to it all.
Enough for now...
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
More catching up
Busy lately, and that's something I rarely say. My great nephew is back for the summer. He's staying with me one night a week. This summer, I'm teaching him how to play backgammon, the fine art of sarcasm, and introduced him to Sherlock. He's growing up, and we're having fun together.
I'm still volunteering at the charity bookshop when I have a good day. It's wonderful to get out for a few hours, but when I return home, I have to sleep away the rest of the day. It's too easy to overdo things.
I've begun making backgammon boards. These first ones aren't very fancy, and I'm still learning the process. I'd like to get good enough at making them to sell someday. So far, they look like an elementary school art class project. Still, it's a nice hobby, and I enjoy it. Using the lighted magnifier to work on them can only be done for a few minutes at a time. I'd love to have a more powerful one, but have had no luck finding any.
My gentleman friend took me on a cruise, and also to South Texas to see my Dad. We had a lovely time. I got some Christmas ornaments to add to my collection from various ports. We're planning another one soon. It's his vacation of choice. I liked it, but I'd prefer to go someplace and explore, like a city or a resort. Still, I expect that we'll have a wonderful time.
Speaking of Dad... He turned 84 yesterday. My sister and her husband moved Dad out to their home near Reno recently. He's settling in well, especially now that he has his baseball package on cable set up. I'm glad he's living with them. He's not driving anymore, and there's a lot of family out there to take him to doctors and shopping.
I'm listening to a show on super massive black holes. Fascinating to learn about. Would love to see what they're showing. Not enough sight to do more than guess, so I'll listen.
Overdid it by cleaning house this morning. I'm planning on sipping cocoa and taking a nap. Should be human again by evening.
Last overnight with the great nephew. We've baked chocolate banana oatmeal cookies, drank too much root beer, talked for hours, and are currently marathoning Doctor Who. I'm going to miss him when he returns to Fort Worth for the school year. We've become friends as well as family over the years, and I treasure that.
Enough for now...
I'm still volunteering at the charity bookshop when I have a good day. It's wonderful to get out for a few hours, but when I return home, I have to sleep away the rest of the day. It's too easy to overdo things.
I've begun making backgammon boards. These first ones aren't very fancy, and I'm still learning the process. I'd like to get good enough at making them to sell someday. So far, they look like an elementary school art class project. Still, it's a nice hobby, and I enjoy it. Using the lighted magnifier to work on them can only be done for a few minutes at a time. I'd love to have a more powerful one, but have had no luck finding any.
My gentleman friend took me on a cruise, and also to South Texas to see my Dad. We had a lovely time. I got some Christmas ornaments to add to my collection from various ports. We're planning another one soon. It's his vacation of choice. I liked it, but I'd prefer to go someplace and explore, like a city or a resort. Still, I expect that we'll have a wonderful time.
Speaking of Dad... He turned 84 yesterday. My sister and her husband moved Dad out to their home near Reno recently. He's settling in well, especially now that he has his baseball package on cable set up. I'm glad he's living with them. He's not driving anymore, and there's a lot of family out there to take him to doctors and shopping.
I'm listening to a show on super massive black holes. Fascinating to learn about. Would love to see what they're showing. Not enough sight to do more than guess, so I'll listen.
Overdid it by cleaning house this morning. I'm planning on sipping cocoa and taking a nap. Should be human again by evening.
Last overnight with the great nephew. We've baked chocolate banana oatmeal cookies, drank too much root beer, talked for hours, and are currently marathoning Doctor Who. I'm going to miss him when he returns to Fort Worth for the school year. We've become friends as well as family over the years, and I treasure that.
Enough for now...
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